Zachary Luettgen

I first wanted to build a personal website seven years ago. I had just graduated from college and had my first dev position courtesy of a friend and their entrepreneurial father. It was my first experience with web development and I learned the fundamentals quickly. I was idealistic about the Internet (and still am), and was confident in my ability to build what I wanted. I think I saw it then as I do now: a place of my own, a space to express myself, to publish, share, and experiment.

I started this site multiple times. In a fit of inspiration, I would spend a few hours in an afternoon or evening resetting the basics: a new repository, a new approach, maybe a new framework. But when the moment and the inspiration faded, so did my motivation. Doubt and anxiety followed closely behind, and I put it down again, frustrated, despondent.

There were two primary obstacles. These obstacles have defined the past decade of my life, and I believe I am beginning to overcome them. This site and this post are evidence of that. I'll talk a little about them now.

The first was the natural obstacle of creating something: designing it. I had a sense of what I wanted, what I wanted it to look and feel like. I could imagine parts of it. But I had few concrete ideas, and felt anxious when a full concept did not appear fully formed. I questioned myself, whether I could figure it out at all.

It's okay not to know. In fact, that's the fun part. That's the work. Creating something isn't catching lighting--not entirely. It's iteration and experimentation. It's finding references and learning something new. It's important to enjoy this as much as the moment of inspiration, or what is made. "Creating" isn't the creation, it's the process, and the process includes having the inspiration, recognizing and capturing it, then developing and exploring it. I return to this belief regularly, especially when in doubt.

The second was prioritization, choosing to work on the site and prioritizing what to work on. As someone with many interests, I've long struggled with choosing between them, experiencing decision paralysis when thinking of all the things I want to do. And technological pursuits have often gone further underserved because of "occupation fatigue". I spend most of my working day at the computer. In the evenings, or the weekends, I would avoid it, even though there is still much there that interests me. And, when I did choose it, I would choose the wrong part of it. Rather than prioritizing building the thing with the skills I had and tools I knew, I would spend that precious time trying to learn new tools, or filing tickets for myself, or researching deployment platforms.

I haven't developed a good technique for consistent prioritization yet, or perhaps just haven't set clear priorities. I think this involves good habits, and am working on it. But I have worked to become more present and avoid ruminating on all the things I want to do, focusing on what I want to do now. I have worked to manage my psychic energy, my attention, such that it is not expended and I become fatigued. And I have worked to better prioritize my end goal, accepting imperfection and iteration, even celebrating both, to achieve it. I'm excited to keep working on these things, and for what such work will bring me.

Here we are now. It's here. And I believe it did not need to come a moment sooner. I have been on a long and winding road to this point, experiencing and learning much, changing. And finally creating this site, writing this post, is a part of that. It's a part of what's next for me. I'm excited for it. Thanks for reading, for being here with me.